Loneliness is a topic we love to talk about, and yet one out of five of us feel like we do not have anybody to confide in. Of all these people who have amazing social skills, 50% of us aren't so sure we're getting enough meaningful interactions on a daily basis. We are building our businesses on the shoulders of relationships. Yet 70% of us, when asked, "Do you wish your friendships felt more supportive?" would say, "Yes."

Loneliness is the hunger for something a little bit more. Loneliness means “I wish I felt a little more seen.” Loneliness says, "I want to feel supported."

The profile of loneliness used to be this recluse, that awkward person who nobody wanted to talk to. They were the isolated one. The profile of loneliness today is somebody who is busy, exhausted, helping a whole bunch of people, raising a family, building a business. Someone who's out there serving all the time, who has amazing social skills, who has the biggest network, and yet at the end of the day feels disconnected. It's ironic; we are more connected than we have ever been, and yet we are more disconnected than we have ever been. It's not for lack of interaction. It's for lack of intimacy. It is not because you need to know more people. It's because you want to feel more known.

We are hungry for more connection. So are your clients. We think we need all these things to make us happy. We say, "I need this, and I want this, and I have this future, and I want to buy this. I want to afford this." At the end of the day, they want all of those things because they want it to make a difference for the people in their lives. They want to share it with somebody, create a legacy and experience things with people. You can add up all the research, all that's been done on happiness, and everything we think we need to be happy takes up less than 30% of our happiness.

We actually know that 70% of our happiness comes down to four things:

If we feel lonely, it's impossible to be happy.

Have you heard that stress kills? You want something that helps protect you from that stress. How you answer the question, "How loved and supported do I feel in my life right now?" tells us more about your health than any other factor. It’s the same for you, your clients and your employees.

My next book is called “The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of the Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time.” One of the questions we asked employees was “How often do you feel lonely at your job?” Sixty percent of us say we feel lonely at least half the time or more.

That's tragic, because for 20 years we have had Gallup telling us that how an employee answers the questions, "Do you have a best friend?" and "Do you feel like you belong?" are the most important factors as to their engagement, their retention, for coming and actually wanting to work there. Millennials want to work somewhere where they feel like they're going to make those friends and feel like that connection. For all of us, we need it in big ways. An employee is seven times more engaged if they have a best friend at work. It is the best predictor for the best employees.

They will call in sick less. They will have better customer service. They will feel safer brainstorming, engaging and speaking up. They will show up and feel better, like helping each other out and covering for each other and not competing with each other.

I want make sure that all of you leave today knowing that every single relationship rests on these three things:

1.  Positivity

I went out with a group of lovely, lovely people last night. It was laughter, inside jokes, teasing. It was memory making, generosity, kindness. Those are the things that we look for when we want to hang out with people. We want the reward of friendship. We want the reward of connection; we want to feel good. Positivity is anything that helps create the feel good.

It doesn't mean we can't complain or vent, but it means how we do that and in what way and how are we leaving the other person feeling at the end of it? For every relationship to be healthy, there is a ratio. We have to have five positive interactions for every negative interaction. It's been studied. The Gottman Institute studied that a lot with marriages and showed that very few marriages make it when the ratio drops too low. Our job description is leaving people feeling better about themselves and their lives for having been in our presence. That's what you do for your clients, and that's what I hope people are doing for you.

2. Consistency

Consistency means repeating it. It's the history building. As we spend consistent time with each other, that's how we start knowing if somebody is a trustworthy person. It's not an inherent thing that you're either all of it or none of it. It is that we build trust based on what we think we can predict you to do. We build that assumption based on how we've seen you act in the past. Most people, when you look at most of your friendships, you will say I don't have enough consistency with them. I only see them once a month. I only get together with them once a year. I only talk on the phone every couple months. It's usually from lack of consistency that most friendships go to die.

At work you have more consistency than you want to have. You don't have to invite each other to come. You don't have to schedule it. You don't have to navigate where you're meeting up. You just both are paid to show up and interact. Obviously if we just have that without positivity, that's not super fun, is it? We've all been there. If we're having a good time, and we're doing it often, that’s very fun.

3. Vulnerability

Unfortunately we have not given a lot of permission, encouragement or modeling to our relationships to make sure that we include the third requirement of all healthy relationships. Vulnerability is our sharing. It's how we feel seen. It is what leaves us feeling known. It's the telling of our stories. It's letting us see each other be impacted by each other. It's not only just negative stuff. A lot of people start thinking vulnerability and associate it with shame and insecurity and pain and crisis. In the workplace, vulnerability is so crucial. For brainstorming, for asking for help, admitting we don't know something.

It's so crucial for being able to create anything. Innovation, taking risks, rewarding failure. Perhaps one of the most important acts of vulnerability that we need in the workplace and in our friendships is actually celebrating our successes. I have found that most of us are more comfortable sharing with you something that's going wrong in our lives than we are sharing with you something that we're celebrating in our lives.

For most of us, when somebody asks us how we're doing, it's easier to say, “Yeah, well the kids are dah, dah, dah. It's good.” Very few of us feel comfortable actually sharing what are we doing really well, what are we proud of. One of my favorite questions I ask friends all the time is “Tell me something you're proud of right now.” “Tell me what you're loving about this stage of parenting.” “Tell me something you're doing at work. What's the thing bringing you joy?” “What part of life is really energizing you right now?”