I'd like you to consider that everything we do as human beings we do for a reason. The thing is, most of us have no idea what that reason is. So we're out there doing life with the puppet master, that we’re not even aware of, running the show without our permission.

Do you ever wonder why you ended up with the same relationship? Whether it's a client or an intimate relationship? We attract the same kind of people because everything we do we do for a reason, and we manage our money the same way. Why do we do what we do with money? Where does that come from? It comes from our past.

My coach says our past is leaking all over our present, impacting our future. You are in the business of advising families about their present but more importantly their future without understanding their past. What's driving you? What's driving your clients? Because when you sit across the table or across a meeting room, they're not just a file, they're not an AUM. They're not a policy. They're a human being with the stuff running the show.

My father was a mining engineer. We lived all over the world, and we moved to Argentina and I lived in Buenos Aires for a number of years. And what I'm going to share with you is not to seek pity or to make you go, “Ooh, poor Franco.” These are just facts. When I was about 11 or 12, I started to get sexually abused by my teacher. Then my father started to beat me, and I was bullied in school. So I never felt safe anywhere. Obviously I've done a lot of work on myself, and my personal purpose is I want to create a safer world because I never felt safe as a child.

This is a great tool we use in our coaching, and I encourage you to use this with yourselves, your kids, and your clients.

∙ The first thing is an event occurs when we make a decision. The event that occurred for me, I'm going to use the one of bullying.
∙ The thought that I told myself was There is something wrong with me, because otherwise why would they bully me?
∙ There were a bunch of feelings. There was anger, there was insecurity. It was a boatload of fear, shame and anguish.
∙ The belief that I told myself was that I am not valuable and disposable.
∙ And the behavior that occurred from that was I would attract intimate relationships, including women and business partnerships, that would prove to myself that I wasn't valuable and disposable.

Can you see the cycle?

The belief was I got into the wealth management industry and built a very successful practice in the early ’90s of about quarter of a billion dollars in assets with 90 families, a pretty big practice. I realized that the belief was that when I make a lot of money, then I'll fit in and find folks who love me. So my belief was money allows me to fit in. The behavior became an addiction to creating money.

It was an endless cycle because I was trying to fill this emptiness that I had inside of me that no amount of money could fulfill.

I asked myself a question: Is there a connection between how we treat our money and how we feel about it? What's the connection between how we do money and how we do relationships and how we treat relationships? What I discovered is that they're directly correlated.

Everybody has a very specific money motto to them. Mine was money allows me to fit in. It's not that anymore obviously, but it'll fit into one of these four categories. This may be frightening for some of you or, you may recognize yourself or your spouse or maybe your clients or your kids.

The first one is investor. The investor is the individual that will invest their time and money and will invest in relationships. They know that one day they may get a return.

Then there's a spender. This individual is the individual that metaphorically and emotionally spends their money, but they also spend their relationships. So I'm going to go to you and when I'm done with you, I'm going to go to you. Next, next. I'm going to take, take, take, emotionally drain until I go to the next group.

There is the sub category of this, which is the self-spender. They give of themselves until there's nothing left and they say, "Well, it's noble. I'm serving others." But they're emotionally depleting and financially depleting of themselves. You may know some of these people. You may recognize some of these people when you look at yourself in the mirror. We're not judging. We're just saying this is what's so. It's like saying, "You know what? I prefer a gin and tonic versus a Cabernet or a good beer, or maybe I'm a latte guy." It's just our preference. It doesn't make one better than the other.

The third is the value respecter. This individual that looks after the possessions. They treasure them, they take care of them. They also treasure the relationships. Best kind of client to have because they will value you, they will respect you, they'll treasure you, but more importantly they will share you with their friends. The difference between a value respecter and the investor is investor may not be doing it for the value. They just want the return. The valuer is different.

The final group is the fearer. This individual that believes that they don't deserve the good fortune of financial wealth or relational wealth or familial wealth, so they'll self-sabotage. How many of you have had clients that are doing really, really well financially, then they invest in something stupid and they blow their brains out? How many of you have come home from a lovely holiday with your spouse or girlfriend or partner and it's been great and you come home and you pick a fight?

I have a client of mine, a very wealthy Canadian family. Dad comes to me after working with them for about six years and says, “I'm looking at doing some estate planning, and we want to transition a couple million dollars into the trust reach for the kids. But I want you to talk to my daughter because I'm concerned about how she's going to behave with it.” I said, “Sure.” The transfer occurred, and she moved the money from the family office to something else and he says, “Ah, we need to find out what that's about.” So in working with her, I helped her uncover her money motto. Because of her conditioning, it was that money can't keep me safe and it brings trouble.

So do you think $2 million made her feel safe? Dad was just about to transition another 10 because that's what the lawyers and accountants suggested he should do. As a parent, is that the emotionally responsible thing to do to your child? Because the money motto drives every single financial decision we make from how we earn it, gift it, inherit it, transition it and give it away. So doesn't it make sense since you're advising families — and wealthy families I might add — on plans for intergenerational wealth transfer, that you may want to consider what their beliefs around money are?

Have the courage to ask the question to open the door for them because they are craving to have these conversations. They just don't know how to start them.

Franco Lombardo is the founder of Veritage, whose mission is to serve business families by promoting the culture of safe space and supporting clients in their development of a living family wealth constitution (FWC). Intended to support governance in action, a FWC holds all individual family members accountable to a set of guiding principles established by the family for the family regarding their relationships and their wealth.