Just because a client has an eight-, nine-, 10-, 11-digit net worth doesn't mean they're not human. It doesn't mean they're alone and isolated by this net worth or these assets or this family name or legacy. Wealth is a great alienator. It separates, and really wealthy individuals and families want to connect with people that they feel safe with and trust and they’ll hold their information as treasure.

I want to talk about the illusion of safety. A lot of us think that if we have the right wealth, the right home, the right partner, the right watch or the right shoes, then we feel safe. We seek outside for things to make us feel safe when actually safety is an inside-out job. Some of the most happy and fulfilled people I know are the mamas in Kenya that haul water for a kilometer and a half from a dirty river. They feel safe with who they are. They don't need to pretend to be something.

One of the challenges that we have as human beings is we're constantly comparing ourselves. We compare our inside with their outside, and wealthy families do the same game. “Yeah, but they're worth $1.6 billion and I'm only worth $1.4; I'm a loser. Their kids went to Harvard, mine went to Princeton. My brother created the wealth, and I didn't.” And that stuff gets in the way.

We all have very specific and complex mechanisms of triggers, but it will fall into one of six categories. You may recognize yourself, your spouses, clients, friends, family, and any human in your system:

1. The avoider. They pretend it's not there, they avoid it, put it off.
2. The people pleaser. They want to make everybody happy because they can't be around unhappy people.
3. The rescuer. They want to come in and save the day on their white horse. They want to rescue others from their pain and suffering. That was me for a long time.
4. The victim. It's never their fault. It's Trump or Brexit or Trudeau or their spouse or something.
5. The manipulator. They withhold information to gain favor.
6. The right fighter. They fight to be right. They need to have the last word.

You get triggered in different ways depending on what relationships you're in. Maybe spouse relationship would be one. Kids would be another. Businesses is another. When we get triggered, we put on this mask and everything is great, everything's fine. Marriage is great, business is fabulous, health is great. Even though we're dying, she's leaving us and we're going bankrupt. The mask is the lie we tell ourselves to perpetuate the belief and to justify the bad behavior. But what we seek, what we crave, what we long for is what I call safe space.

And these are the big words: Transparency, integrity, honesty, compassion, consciousness, grace, humility. But our story keeps away from what we seek, and we keep repeating patterns. What's the mask you wear? What's the lie you tell yourself that keeps you where you are and away from where you want to go?

What a great question to ask the client. So the paradox of safety, it's actually the land of familiar. It's our comfort zone, and we think that's safe when in reality it's a prison. You keep doing the same thing over and over again. Your thing is, "That's just the way it is. That's the way he is. That's what she does when she's drinking." We want to stay in there because it's normal, when it could be highly dysfunctional or it could be hurting you, or worst of all, it's preventing you from you stepping into your greatness and what you're really meant here to do.

You want to ask yourself, "Do my clients feel safe with me?" Those of you that are really, really brave, you may want to ask your client, "Do you feel safe with me?" We have to feel safe with our wealth. There's a lot of shame around wealth, particularly the next generation. And parents think, Well, we're going to teach them how to give it away. See, that's nice. You're giving something away you haven't earned. That doesn't make sense to me. They don't feel comfortable with it.

So definition of safety: Competent in one's abilities, both intellectually but also emotionally. Confident of decision-making, intellectually and emotionally. Understanding why we do what we do. Understand your money motto, which is your subconscious belief about money. Understand your triggers, but more importantly, how do your triggers impact others?

When you as my spouse get angry and avoid me, how does that impact me? That's a question you may want to ask yourself because when we get triggered, our actions have ripple effects that impact our relationships.

Being comfortable dealing with conflict in a healthy manner. How safe do you feel with yourself, with your relationships and with your wealth, which includes your relationships, not just your financial capital? Great question to ask your clients: How safe do you feel with your wealth? How safe do you feel that your kids are ready? If they're not, what do you think they need to do? How do we equip them? How do we prepare them?

So what creates safety? The No. 1 thing is: What is your guiding principle? What is it that you stand for?

One of the biggest challenges that wealthy families have is no boundaries. The reason is money buys him out of a lot of stuff. “Dad, I just crashed the car.” “Here's a new car.” “Dad, I'm in jail.” “Call Fred the lawyer.” Where's the integrity in that? Where's the accountability? None.

We all say this is what matters to us, but what I'm interested in the work that I do with the families is show me what behaviors you do that prove what you say matters. We all love the big words, integrity and transparency and vulnerability. But do we know what those words mean for us?

What are you really afraid of? My biggest fear was being seen. Being on the spotlight. Because if I'm here, I'm vulnerable. I could get bullied, I could get ridiculed, I could get shamed. But I choose not to because what drives me is my purpose, which is to create a safer world.