There is a magic to informal mentoring relationships, but there is an art and a science to formal mentoring relationships. When art and science are applied, the results are exponential, and the progress is measurable and self-generative. Mentoring that is formal and structured requires intentionality and focus, and these efforts pay off in spades.

Triple win of mentoring

People often think that mentoring is solely for the benefit of a mentee. While it is well-accepted that mentees experience many benefits from mentoring, we know that mentoring is also extremely beneficial for the mentor. Beyond the satisfaction of giving back, studies show that mentors improve their skills and competencies, gain valuable perspective and become more culturally competent, among other things. Mentoring for financial advisors at MDRT has a third win as well ― that of the industry. Mentoring produces a greater sense of engagement, promotes innovation, enables the formation of a community and amplifies results. The more MDRT members can foster and participate in a mentoring culture, the more we create a triple win.

Four phases of a mentoring relationship

Effective mentoring follows four predictable phases. Although there are good mentoring relationships that might miss one or more of these phases, the most effective mentoring relationships pass through each of these phases. If you are looking to create measurable results in your mentoring relationship, these four phases are essential. What’s more, when mentoring relationships fizzle out or bottom out, we can often point to the pairs skipping one or more of these phases. Note that the phases are sequential, but sometimes mentoring partners will go backward in the cycle and revisit a prior phase:

1. The first phase is Preparation. This phase begins even before you meet your mentoring partner. In this phase, mentor and mentee think through their reasons for mentoring and their preferences and assumptions about mentoring. When they begin meeting, they take the time to get to know each other and build safety and trust to share openly and create a safe learning environment.
2. The second phase is Negotiation. In this phase, mentoring partners co-create the terms of their mentoring relationship. They discuss the parameters and boundaries of their mentoring relationship, the ground rules for interacting and understanding how they will operate with confidentiality and the length of their mentoring relationship.
3. The third phase is Enabling Growth, where the mentor and mentee establish mutually defined goals for the mentee’s learning and set about goal achievement.
4. The final phase is Closure. At the conclusion of the relationship, the mentoring partners revisit their time together, celebrate their achievements, express appreciation and determine whether and how they will move forward together.

How to find and choose the right mentor for you ― WHAT before WHERE or WHO

Before determining WHO should be your mentor or worrying about WHERE to find a mentor, prospective mentees must first determine WHAT they want to learn. Ultimately, mentoring is a relationship focused on learning, and if we focus too much on charisma, fit or commonality, the learning may become secondary.

Once prospective mentees determine their learning goal, they should begin identifying who might be a fit for that learning goal. What qualities does this person have? What experience?

While one might find a mentor within their organization, it can be difficult for mentees to feel comfortable sharing their shortcomings when there is a supervisory relationship or when political considerations come into play. Associations like MDRT are therefore ideal places to find a mentor because they offer mentoring programs and training to guide you along the way as well as the chance to create a relationship in your industry outside of your organization.

Once they have identified someone who may be a good fit, mentees are well-advised to approach finding a mentor like they do when building their network of clients or referrals. First, build the relationship. Then, see if it makes sense to work together. Rather than asking specifically for mentoring, which can feel amorphous and vague, mentees can ask prospective mentors to learn more about an area where the mentor is exceptionally skilled. After a few conversations, if it still seems like a good idea to do so, ask to establish a mentoring relationship.

Creating good conversation in your mentoring relationship: The 6 essential conversations mentoring partners should have to start a strong relationship

There are six conversations all mentoring partners should have to establish a strong mentoring relationship.¹

1. Relationship building. Before diving into learning, the mentor and mentee must take the time to get to know each other. Because good conversation thrives in an environment of safety and trust, it is imperative to take the time to establish trust and learn more about one another. This requires intentionality and open sharing by both the mentor and the mentee. Building the relationship will continue and evolve throughout several meetings.
2. Establishing mentoring agreements. In this conversation, mentoring partners co-create the mentoring relationship. They talk about their expectations and assumptions and formulate ground rules for their relationship.
3. Goal setting. Here, the mentor and mentee agree upon the mentee’s learning goals. This establishes a focus for their discussions and will be the centerpiece of their conversations throughout the relationship. In many cases, this “conversation” lasts more than one meeting.
4. Creating learning opportunities. Throughout the mentoring relationship, mentors and mentees should look for ways to try new things and step out of their comfort zone. This requires the mentor to challenge the mentee and provide continuous feedback.
5. Managing stumbling blocks. It is critical for mentoring partners to provide one another with feedback on the quality of their relationship so the relationship can grow and continue to be a productive investment of time and energy. Mentoring pairs should schedule a time to discuss how the relationship is going and what should be improved. This is an excellent time to revisit the agreements set early in the relationship.
6. Closure. A closure conversation is purposeful and directed. Mentoring partners look back at their time together, reflect on accomplishments and decide whether they will continue. Closure conversations are essential at the end of a year, regardless of whether the pair chooses to continue. It is about closing out the mentoring period, not necessarily about closing out the relationship. 

Endnote

1. Adapted from Lois J. Zachary & Lory A. Fischler, “Starting Strong: A Mentoring Fable” (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2014).

Lisa Fain is the CEO of Center for Mentoring Excellence and an expert in the intersection of cultural competency and mentoring. Fain brings her energy, enthusiasm and engagement to any group, facilitating lively workshops and training, and delivering interactive speeches with practical steps that can be implemented right away. She also founded Vista Coaching, a division of the Center for Mentoring Excellence, which provides group coaching for professional women looking to design and live their best lives.