When others make requests and need you to do things, particularly clients and maybe even people outside of your work, how do you deal with those requests and set boundaries?

For years, I spent a lot of time talking about how to say "no" nicely. But at the end of the day, the conclusion we all came to in the many groups I've spoken to is it's good to say "yes." If we can say "yes," let's say "yes" rather than focusing on all the ways to say "no." By the way, when I talked about saying "no" nicely, it was more about not making excuses, but instead just saying, "I thank you for that request. Unfortunately, I'm not able to." I call that a compliment and a thank you plus no. But most of the time it behooves us to say "yes." And so, I have three words or phrases that I always suggest for saying "yes" without guilt. And you know what I mean by guilt. When you agree to something and then later, you're like, "Why did I agree to that? Why did I say I was going to do? What was I thinking? Why did I say I was going to do that?"

So, we don't want to feel guilty or feel bad later or beat ourselves up about it. Instead, we can say "yes," but draw some boundaries using the words "if, when," and "as soon as." “If you're able to get me all of the information I need by tomorrow, I can go ahead and get those services for you.” “When I finish with this paperwork, I'll be able to get started with the next step.” “As soon as we complete this process, we can move forward.” So, it's really saying yes but making sure we don't get run over or trampled in the process by setting boundaries using these phrases.

I also am a fan of questions, and someone asked me a great question one time. Someone says, "Sarita, how do you pull rank when you have no rank to pull?" Isn't that an interesting question? Because if we're talking about most people who we’re not the boss of, we don't have any rank to pull. And so the key is how do we get their cooperation? How do we make requests even though we don't have the official authority? I love using phrases like, "Would you be willing to..." Or its many cousins, "Would it be possible to..." Or as a friend of mine likes to say, "Could you live with it if we did this?" And then there's others, "How about...” “Would you consider..." And so on.

I want to share an acronym WIIFM. It stands for "What's in it for me?" People always say, "Sarita, you spent all these years studying about what makes people tick. The undergraduate degree in psychology, Master's in counseling. You did all that studying about what makes people tick and why they do the things they do. What did you learn?" My answer is WIIFM. People want to know at the end of the day, well, what's in it for me? Why should I go in this direction versus that direction? Or why should I cooperate with you and do what you need me to do? That's the little voice that's in the back of most people's heads. What's in it for me? Why do I care? It’s a reminder that we might want to tell people what's in it for them when we're making a request.

Again, I love phrases. I'm a fan of the phrases “because” and “so that.” There was actually research done that said, when you send an email and in the email it says because, just because it says because people are more likely to cooperate. I was fascinated by that. I mean, most of the time it's something logical. “We need you to fill out the paperwork because it will expedite the process faster.” Oh, that's why I care. Or “We need the information from you so that we can move forward.” Oh, OK, that's what's in it for me. It could be any crazy thing, but most of the time it's something that's logical and makes sense.